Dr. Elizma van der Smit clinical psychologist                      

Therapy for Individuals, Families and Couples                                                                                                     

       The Time Has Come!!! It is time to be better!!

Probleme met die skoondogter/skoonma?

Deur Elizma van der Smit


Hou gerus die volgende ingedagte:  Dit neem twee mense om ‘n slegte verhouding te skep en een persoon kan nie alleen daarvoor blameer word  nie.  Navorsing toon dat hierdie probleme ontstaan omdat twee vroue baklei vir die mag en posisie.

 

Hoe hanteer ek die saak:

 

Nota aan die skoonma

 

Aanvaar verantwoordelikheid om die verhouding te verbeter van jou kant af.  Vra uit oor hoe jy dinge kan beter maak, sonder om te kla of ‘n lesing oor haar gedrag te gee.  Fokus op wat jy kan doen.


Hou ingedagte dat jou skoondogter nie net ‘n verlengstuk van jou seun is met dieselfde gevoelens, gedagtes en seining nie.  Sy is haar eie persoon met ‘n onafhanklike lewe – moenie verwag dat sy dinge moet doen soos jou seun dit altyd gedoen het nie.


Alhoewel  jy dink dat jou seun naby aan perfek is en dat die skoondogter die vlieg in die salf is, onthou dat sy jou seun se keuse vir ‘n maat is.  Hoe meer jy rebelleer hierteen, hoe moeiliker word dit.  Jou seun is ‘n volwasse man wat sy eie besluite neem – insluitende besluite wat nie jou goedkeuring wegdra nie.  Moenie net glo dat jou skoondogter jou man “ompraat of dwing” om nie by die familie te kuier of om sondae etes te mis nie – hy is ook in staat om sy eie keuses te maak!

Wend ‘n daardwerklike poging aan om jou skoondogter te probeer waardeer.  Maak ‘n lys van dinge waarvan jou hou – al is dit net aanvanklik haar lekker sjokolade koek.  Dit sal moeilik wees in die begin, maar dwing jou om ‘n ander, meer gebalanseerde perspektief te ontwikkel.


Moet asseblief nie net by jou skoondogter “inval” nie ongeag hoe goed jou bedoelings is.  Bel eers en hou dit kort.  Jy sal meer welkom wees as jy hul privaatheid respekteer en hul soos volwassenes behandel.


Gee haar spasie as ‘n nuwe ma.  Sy sal natuurlik meer gemaklik by haar eie ma voel en moenie eers met haar ma probeer kompeteer nie. Sy kan dalk voel dat, weens jou goedbedoelde betrokkenheid, sy nie kans kry om self haar voete met babatjie en pappa te vind nie.  Moenie sleg voel as sy nie jou raad wil hê nie, sy is waarskynlik hormonaal, oorbeskermend en wil bitter graag haar baba grootmaak op haar eie manier, foute en al.


Bied jou hulp aan op enige manie wat sy nodig het, nie soos jy graag jou hulp sou wou aanbied nie.


Respekteer al haar reëls, al is dit “onnodig” volgens jou – soos geen lekkergoed of vaste slaaptye ens.  As jy die reels verontagsaam en doen soos jy goeddink, sal sy dit as bitte disrespekvol beleef asook ‘n verwysing van hoe jy haar as ma beleef.  Sy het redes vir haar reels.


Hanteer jou skoondogter soos ‘n volwassene.  En as volwassene het sy die reg om met jou te verskil en is sy ook nie ‘n ondergeskikte in haar huwelik nie.


Dink voordat jy praat en wees baie versigtig met wie jy haar bespreek aangesien dit ontsaglike skade kan veroorsaak.  Moet haar ook nie voor ander mense aanspreek nie.

Aanvaar dat jy nie meer die matriarg in die familie is nie en dat jou skoondogte nou die vroulike hoof van jou seun se familie is.  As hy gedruk word, sal hy sy vrou se part kies bo joune aangesien sy nou sy nr 1 prioriteit behoort te wees.  Dit beteken glad nie dat hy nie meer lief is vir jou of dat jy op sy geskuif word nie, dit beteken wel dat hy ‘n goeie man vir sy vrou is (net soos jy hom grootgemaak het om te wees).  Sodra jou seun getroud is moet jy terugstaan en ‘n ander rol inneem.


Maak seker jy fokus ook op jou eie lewe.  Raak betrokke by bedrywighede waarvoor jy nooit kans gehad het terwyl jy jou kinders grootgemaak het nie.  Jy verdien om jouself gelukkig te maak.


Glo dit of nie, jou skoondogter wil bitter graag jou liefde en respek hê.  En dit is waarskynlik hoekom jul verhouding gespanne voorkom – sy beleef jou dalk as iemand wat haar nie goedkeur nie. 

 

 Nota aan die skoondogter

 

Moenie kompeteer met skoonma nie.  Onthou dat jou man twee rolle speel – naamlik ‘n man vir sy vrou asook ‘n seun vir sy ma.  Hy is lief vir beide en vedien dit ook.  Maak nie saak hoe hard jy probeer nie – jy kan nie kompeteer vir die rol tussen ma en seun nie.  Jou rol is om ‘n vrou vir hom te wees en nie ‘n ma nie. 


Wees jy die eerste om die ys te breek en probeer om jou skoonma te bevriend.

Toon respek.  Maak nie saak hoe modern ons gedagtes en lewensbeskouing is nie, respek vir ouer menses al nooit verander nie.  Om na hul raad te luister en hul “geskenke” te aanvaar sal altyd waarde dra.  Respekteer ook die rol wat sy speel in die ma en seun verhouding en al word sy nooit jou vriendin nie, sy verdien respek vir die feit dat sy jou seun se ma is.  Jy het op haar seun verlief geraak, met ander woorde sy moes iets reggedoen het!


Wees jouself.  Jou verhouding met jou skoonouers moet vir ‘n leeftyd hou en daarom help dit nie om iemand anders te probeer wees nie.


Alhoewel jul nie dieselfde idees het nie, weet dat sy opreg belangstel  in jou kinders en ook net die beste vir hulle wil hê.  Oumas het so ‘n groot behoefte om deur hul kleinkinders liefgehê te word en dit is ‘n baie spesiale tyd in hul lewe – iets waarna hul ongelooflik uitsien.


Onthou dat jy ook eendag ‘n skoonma gaan wees en hoe sal jy graag hanteer wil word?  Hoe moeilik sal dit nie vir jou wees om jou seun of dogter “optegee” en dan nie respekteer te word nie?


Probeer die beste van haar dink en fokus op die dinge wat sy goed doen.  Wys dat jy dit waardeer en moet glad nie negatief van haar praat voor jou kinders nie.

Probeer meer begrip ontwikkel deur jouself in haar skoene te sit.  Vind ook uit hoe sy graag wil help en betrokke wees en moenie aanvaar dat synoodwendig betrokke wil wees op die wyse wat jy graag wil hê sy moet nie.  Sy wil dalk nie vir boeta smiddae oppas nie omdat sy ‘n lewe van haar eie ook het.  Onthou ook dat ouma nie ‘n gratis kinderoppaster is nie – vergoed haar voldoende.


Wees proaktief.  Die meeste skoonmoeders wil betrokke voel, maar nie “gebruik” nie.  Hou haar op hoogte van hul ontwikkeling en prestasies.  Stuur foto’s en prentjies en nooi haar uit vir skoolkonserte en spesiale geleenthede.  Laat hul toe om tyd alleen met ouma en oupa te spandeer.  Dit is die enigste manier waarop diepgaande verhoudings kan ontwikkel.


Vra ook maar gerus haar raad.  Sy het hard geleer in die skool van die lewe en kan dalk waardevolle inligting hê.  Jy hoef nie noodwendig haar raad te neem nie, maar dit baie lekker om soms vir raad gevra te word!


Moenie met haar baklei oor alles nie, maar dis belangrik om by jou standpunt te staan as jy baie sterk voel oor ‘n seker saak. Wanneer jy nie hou van wat sy doen nie (bv lekkergoed voor ete), wees ferm en duidelik.  Byvoorbeeld “ek keur lekkergoed voor ete glad nie goed nie, maar na ete kan hul gerus ‘n lekker kry”.


As jy ongelukkig is oor jou skoonma, moenie dit stil stil ophoop in jou hart en met jou man daaroor baklei nie.  Kies eerder om iets te laat gaan wat nie jou enegie en huwelik die moeite werd is nie.  Indien jy iets nie kan laat gaan nie – verduidelik ferm maar sag hoe haar dade en optrede jou laat voel.  Jy hoef verseker nie aan al hul eise en verwagtinge te voldoen nie en stel duidelike grense.  Moenie verwag dat jou man hierdie grense moet stel nie – dis jou grense.  Dis egter baie belangrik vir die man om bewus te wees van die feit dat jou vrou nou jou eerste prioriteit is.


Moenie die verwagting koester dat sy jou dieselfde as haar seun moet behandel nie.  Sy gaan nie so geinteresseerd in jou werk en belangstellings wees soos wat sy in haar seun is nie.  Haar seun sal altyd eerste kom vir haar.


Probeer om nie ‘n te dun vel hê en vinnig wees om haar opmerkings en gedrag persoonlik op te neem nie.  Haar intensie in waarskynlik nie om jou seer te maak nie.

 

Samevatting vir beide:

 

Hou aan vergewe en onthou om “jammer” te sê.  Onthou dat julle aan dieselfde kant is – en dat die kinders nie wapens is.  Jul mag verskillende opinies en metodes hê, maar eintlik wil jul bloot dieselfde uitkoms hê – vir jou man om liefgehê te word en vir die kinders om die beste kans in die lewe te hê.


Spreek konstant dankbaarheid en waardering uit.  Ons wil maar almal belangrik en gewaardeerd voel.


Vriendelikheid en respek is ‘n noodsaaklikheid, nie ‘n “nice to have” nie.

Laat vaar jou verwagtinge van hoe dinge “behoort te wees”.

Onthou die hart is groot, daar is genoeg plek vir almal!

 

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